Gaslighting and Greg Grippo
- It's On Us
- Aug 4, 2021
- 5 min read
Over the course of quarantine, I like so many others got into the habit of binging shows that I previously had never tuned into before. One of these shows was ABC’s Bachelor franchise. I quickly became hooked – it became a show that was entertaining, but not something that would leave me thinking about the latest episode long after I’d finished it. So following the announcement of Katie Thurston as one of two Bachelorettes, I became very excited, as I’d grown to enjoy her during the previous season of the Bachelor. My excitement and respect for her grew the more I watched – over the course of the Bachelor and her ongoing season as the Bachelorette, Katie has opened up multiple times about her sexual assault, all while being confident in her sexuality as a woman. She has led multiple conversations centering around healthy sex, consent, and emotional intelligence.
In case you haven’t watched the latest episode of the Bachelorette, Katie met the families of her three remaining men, the last of which being the family of Greg Grippo, the frontrunner of the season. While meeting the three men’s families, Katie expressed to all of them a personal boundary of hers throughout this process: she will not be telling any of the men “I love you,” until the very end, when it is just her and one man left.
Katie and Greg previously bonded over the passing of both of their fathers, and over the course of the show, Katie has been clearly infatuated with him. Following very emotional conversations with Greg’s family about his late father, the two finished up the evening with a talk, during which Greg made many emotional declarations to Katie. Some of the things he told her included:
“I didn’t know I was going to fall in love with you, I didn’t know that, but I’m in love with you.”
“I lost a major part of myself when my dad died, and you’ve filled that hole.”
“I’ve never been this vulnerable with anyone in my life.”
“I’ve never emptied my heart out like that before.”
Katie was actively listening to Greg, and when he finished, she responded with, “I just love looking at you,” which has caused a lot of backlash to come her way. Greg is also visibly upset, and shuts down immediately following her response. Katie repeatedly questions him before she leaves, asking him to tell her what happened, and Greg in turn tells her in multiple ways that she doesn’t “get it”.
The conversation that follows this exchange the next day is what struck me, and many other viewers of the show, as very concerning behavior.
Greg visits Katie in her hotel suite to express how the previous conversation made him feel, explaining that (in his eyes) she completely “mowed over” his declaration of love to the point that he felt like he was talking to a “stranger”. Katie responded as follows:
“I’m sorry, and something that I don’t think I communicated to you but that I communicated to each and every one of your family members, was I haven’t told anyone that I love them here.”
She also goes on to state that the night was highly emotional for her, and she had been doing a lot of reflecting, and was therefore trying to listen more than talk.
At this point, she says “I was listening more,” to which Greg responded with “You weren’t listening though.”
The rest of the argument escalates from there, ending with Katie following Greg after he storms out of her room, finding him where he’s seated outside, and falling to her knees, begging him to stay. His response? “I deserve better than you.” After this, he leaves the show, telling a woman he declared his “love” for only a night previously that she was now a stranger to him.
The episode ends with a heartbroken Katie sobbing on her bathroom floor, as Katelyn Bristow (former Bachelorette and current host of the show) goes in to console her and talk it out.
This entire exchange was one that I and many other women unfortunately relate to far too well. In this situation, Katie had set a clear boundary with not just Greg, but the two other remaining men, as well as her families: she was not going to say “I love you”. It was not something she was comfortable with. After repeated viewings of the date and the argument that followed, it was clear to see that Greg wanted her to cross that boundary for him, so much so that he was willing to try and distort how she remembered the events of the night.
This is a form of psychological abuse known as gaslighting. The term is defined as “when a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories,” and originates from a 1938 play titled Gaslight (in the show, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is mentally ill by dimming their gas-fueled lights and telling her she’s hallucinating when she questions him). While gaslighting is often thought of in regards to intimate partner relationships, it can also happen in medicine, politics, businesses, amongst various racial groups, and even among children and parents.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has indicated that a victim of gaslighting may:
Feel confused and second-guess themselves
Constantly apologize to the abuser
Defend the abuser’s behavior
Lie to family and friends to avoid making excuses for the abuser
Find it difficult to make simple decisions
Feel hopeless, joyless, worthless, or incompetent
Become socially withdrawn or isolated
While I am by no means saying that Greg Grippo is an abuser, I will say that the behavior the displayed in those last 20 minutes…was abusive. When it became clear that he was not going to get the response that he wanted (i.e., “I love you too”) he instead withdrew his affections from Katie, and turned instead to asking her leading questions, before outright telling her that she wasn’t listening to him (when she in fact was) and that she didn’t care (which she did).
Boundaries are not just sexual – they are mental, emotional, and psychological. And in this case, despite having more validation given to him than any other man on this season, Greg still tried to override this clearly set boundary, and when he didn’t get just that, it was over for him. This is not love, or someone lashing out due to heartbreak. I personally didn’t think that Katie’s response (“I just love looking at you”) was the appropriate response, but that still did not warrant any of what was said to her in the conversation that followed the next day.
I don’t think that Greg is a “villain”. I don’t think Katie is a “villain”. But I do think that unprocessed trauma on Greg’s end spiraled into manipulative and abusive behavior. Hurt people, hurt people, and I don’t think that’s ever been more articulated than in this episode. And while it may be just another reality show, it’s important to recognize and discuss this behavior when it appears. When we do so, we can learn to recognize this behavior if it appears in our own personal relationships and act accordingly. Setting boundaries in a relationship is normal; they help us protect ourselves mentally, emotionally, and physically, even if not everyone agrees with those boundaries.
Thanks to Rachel Dandridge for this entry!
Sources:
ABC’s “The Bachelorette”
MedicalNewsToday.com (article reviewed by Marney A. White, Ph.D, MS)
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting
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